Blessed

     I originally started this post much different than I am now. I find myself in this weird place where I know the Lord is going to take care of me, I know He is going to heal me, and my job is to dwell in Him, to remain connected to the vine. And yet, I hear myself talking to others and I don't like the way I sound. I am in a hard place, somewhere I never imagined myself being, but I know God is with me, I know He has plans for me, and I know I can trust Him and His plans. Why do my words not seem to match that? Honestly, it makes me want to crawl inside myself and stop talking with people. Don't worry, I am not letting myself do that, but I am also now working with Jesus on fixing the way I sound. So, if you are someone I have conversations with, please be patient with me, and I'm sorry if I sound negative-I hear it too!

    I thought instead I would focus on a few things that the Lord has been teaching my heart lately. Probably the biggest thing (biggest because it's been popping up everywhere) is the idea that God is with me. To type that seems silly, but sometimes God re-teaches our hearts something that just has more depth, is more personal. At least, to this hard-headed girl. This past Advent I have been so struck that Immanuel not only meant Jesus coming as a baby and living on earth, but that He is still with me. I have been seeing so many verses in a new light. My pastor pointed out Revelation 3:20, "See! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me," (emphasis added). Of course, Joshua 1:9, "Haven't I commanded you: be strong and courageous? Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you WHEREVER you go," (emphasis added). And then in my reading I came across Isaiah 57:15, "For the High and Exalted One, who lives forever, whose name is holy, says this: 'I live in a high and holy place, and with the oppressed and lowly of spirit, to revive the spirt of the lowly and revive the heart of the oppressed'," (emphasis added). Is there anything more beautiful? This idea that the High and Exalted One lives with me, just...blows me away. Leaves me speechless and in complete awe. Heals my abandoned heart in ways nothing else can. That the Creator of all things should care about my heart? There really are no words! 

    God has also been reminding my heart to, "Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in everything; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thes 5:16-18). I was challenged in a devotional I read yesterday to list out all that I am grateful for in this last year. Here are a few: 

    Of course my children, Bree and Kayden. I am so proud of these kids. 

• Bree is hard working and focused. She sees hurt and does what she can to encourage. She does not ask for things for herself, but always wants to give. She is brilliant and always wanting to grow her knowledge and encourage others to grow theirs. I can't believe my baby girl is a senior this year, but I know God will do great things in and through her. 

• Kayden is loyal and protective. He tries to make hard situations lighter, and wants to keep the peace. He sees things when I don't realize he is watching and always checks in later to make sure I'm okay.

• This year we had the opportunity to go to Disney World together, and although it was mostly a trip for me, the three of us had a great time together (even if we were melting in the humidity!). I especially loved exploring Animal Kingdom and Epcot with them. 💖

• My family-my mom and dad, my sisters-who have been so supportive of the decisions I've made, and who are standing with me where I am now. Also, the more I hear other people's stories, the more I realize how blessed I have been with the family God gave me.

• I am also so grateful for the job that God provided for me at a time I had no idea I would need one. Since having kids, I have been a stay-at-home mom or had part time jobs. Being available for my kids has been so important for me. I was hesitant to take a full-time job, but God very clearly was leading me that way. Little did I know in May I would be ending the year the way I am. I love my first graders, and I love being able to teach about phonics and Jesus at the same time. I love to be able to stop a lesson to pray for a student who is struggling. I love the hugs that I get randomly throughout the day (writing math problems on the board and all of a sudden arms around my waist, random). God knew exactly what I needed to keep me going and help me heal. What a caring God we serve!

• The last thing I will mention (though I am grateful for so much more), is that God is teaching me to be able to trust friends again. I have definitely had friends throughout the years walk with me through my trying times, but for the most part I have kept friends at arms length. God has put a few key individuals in my life that I have trusted, but most have not lived in the same town or even state that I do. About 8 years ago I experienced piercing betrayal by a very close friend and had two more walk away during the same time, and I never wanted to let anyone else that close to my heart again. The Lord will allow us to feel that pain, and will allow us a time of isolation, but when we are walking closely with Him, He will not let us stay there. He created us for community, and He has brought me that community. I know I still have work to do in this area, but I have a small group of women who I am slowly letting in. Love you, Ladies, thanks for being patient with me while I continue to grow in this area! Learning to allow others fully into your hurt and heart, knowing they could also hurt you, is really difficult to do. 

    The last several years I have chosen a word for the year. It's a pretty common thing these days, but it helps to keep my focus. I have chosen Joy, Grit, last year I chose Dwell and New (I know, I cheated, it was more than one word). This year I have chosen a phrase, from what I have been learning. Yes, God is with me, but my phrase this year is "With Him." I realize that's pretty similar to Dwell, but my intention with it is different. To dwell is to sit in His presence (and yes, I do want to continue that!). But I have many things ahead of me that I need to do and I can only move forward into my unknown future with Him. I don't want to attempt anything without Him. 

    Life is messy. Life is hard. But my God does not drop us here and walk away. He is very real, He is with me, and if you believe in Him, He is with you too. When you walk into the court room. When you feel alone and helpless in the hospital room. When your house is silent and you feel all alone. Wherever you find yourself, whatever trial you walk through, you do not need to be alone. I am not alone. I am seen, I am loved, I am provided for, and I am being healed. All praise to the High and Exalted One who lives forever! 

    

The “Four-letter” Word

*This post is not intended to tear down the man with whom I have journeyed the past 21 years of my life, but an honest expression of where I am. Also, I feel I need to add in that I strongly believe in marriage. I believe in fighting for your marriage, sticking with it even when you really don't want to, loving the other person even when emotions don't match. After all, marriage is a representation of our relationship with the Lord. I am so grateful that He never stops pursuing me. I also recognize I am in no place to judge anyone else's story or decisions, the judgement I express here is on myself, no one else.*

 DIVORCE. It's like a 4-letter word for marriages, something you don't say, something you never suggest. Until you realize you must. This summer I came to realize it was time. God hates divorce and I understand a little more why. It tears you apart. Two become one in a marriage, but when that one is torn apart by divorce, you don't get two again, you get fractions. I am a fraction struggling with shame and self-judgement. I have been taught and I believe that divorce is wrong, that you need to fight and work hard to make marriage work. And now here I am, facing divorce. It took me a while to recognize my shame, but once I was able to name it, I brought it to the feet of my Lord. I have been wrestling with it. I have felt like the woman clinging to Jesus' feet washing his feet with her tears and hair. I am undeserving of His love, His affection, His forgivness, His faithfulness. For several weeks I have pictured myself crying at His feet, ashamed of where I am. And then yesterday, as I sat in His presence, I imagined Him pushing my hair back and He said to me, "My child, I have not given you this judgement or shame. You have put that upon yourself." I love these freeing moments with Jesus, but they drive you to understand the heart of where you are wrong. And yet again I am faced with my pride. "I couldn't fix it, I couldn't save it, therefore I am a failure." When did my thinking get so self-focused? 

 I have been so encouraged by the Japanese art form of Kintsugi. Starting in the 15th century, the Japanese began repairing broken pottery with gold. The gold would make the pottery stronger and added an element of beauty and worth that was not there before. I love this idea that this is what God does with us in our brokenness. He repairs us so we are stronger and more beautiful than before. I continue to remind myself of this as I am hurting, walking through the process of healing. I would so love to just skip ahead and miss this painful process, but it is in this process that we are made to look more like Jesus. He is the gold that repairs us. He makes us stronger. He makes us more beautiful. He makes us worth so much more than we ever are on our own. 

 What are you struggling with today? What areas do you need to wrestle over with Jesus and let Him heal? Where are you replacing His words of who you are with your own? I encourage you to walk the hard road of healing with me. Lay your burdens at the feet of Jesus and let Him repair you in a way that will make you stronger, more beautiful. I know the road feels scary. It can even feel desperately lonely. But He is there. Like me, you don't derserve His love, His affection, His forgiveness or faithfulness. That's the beauty. No one does, but He extends that freely and abundently to us.

Sometimes life sucks, but God is still good

The New Testament talks about the flesh and Spirit being at war with each other. The flesh desires sinful things cravings growing the more we feed it, but the Spirit in us desiring to please the Lord. Often this leads to a lot of turmoil inside while the two wage war. And although the flesh wins at times as we fall into temptation, the more time we spend in the presence of Jesus, the more that bothers us, and the more we will (hopefully) lean into the Spirit to help us flee those temptations. 

I have always liked Math and numbers because they are controllable, they make sense. If you follow an equation, you can get the right answer. If you don't get the right answer, you go back, look through your work, find the mistake and fix it. Boom! Right answer. I also have always loved LEGO (yes even still), for the same reason. I can follow a set of instructions and get the expected outcome. There is so much control I can have over LEGO. My LEGO city is a safe space! Each brick very carefully placed so that it is straight and the little "LEGO" on each brick facing the same direction. I might have a control issue. Which brings me to a huge area where my flesh and the Spirit are at war (no, not my LEGO room, don't worry!). I want to be able to control the outcome of my life, or the things (and even people sometimes *ouch*) in my life so that life can be neat and trim and tidy and all the little LEGO words going the same direction. "I did this and this, therefore, that should happen." Didn't work? Rework the equation. But life isn't this way. I have yet to receive a brick seperator (used to take apart LEGO pieces when you make a mistake) for life. This is what my flesh wants. A life brick seperator (also, LEGO makes them in different colors for collectors sake...just saying...) or an eraser so the equation can be re-worked. Instead, the Spirit in me calls me to hand over the pencil or instructions I have made and trust the Lord who already knows what each day holds. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own [equation]. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight." (Proverbs 3:5) 

I have noticed the flesh and Spirit to be at war even in my healing process, and I am so grateful for that. As the flesh part of me screams questions like, "Why?!" or "How?!" the Spirit in me has grace and compassion for that hurt but holds my heart steady. I was driving yesterday and reflecting on this. I am so thankful I serve a God who listens to my "whys?" and doesn't get angry with me; who looks past the obstinate to the hurting heart. I am also very grateful that in the midst of me screaming "life isn't fair," that deep in my soul I know that God is good, He hasn't changed and He isn't going to. He is my Rock, my Fortress and my Provider. His Loving-kindness exceeds my human-ness; that human-ness that wants to pull out my work to prove I did what I was supposed to, so why doesn't a+b=c in this case? Why can't I make life a safe-space like my LEGO room? I feel the jaded and wounded parts of me, but I can rest easy and have compassion and grace for myself in that because my God is in control of my life, and my heart is clinging to Him, even in the chaos of life. Proverbs 3:7, 8 "Don't be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil. Then you will have healing for your body and strength for your bones."

New Chapter

I started this blog several years ago when my son, Kayden, was diagnoised with cancer. I used the blog to keep people updated on that journey, and to process many of the feelings I was having. I took the title, "Walking beside quiet waters," from the 23rd Psalm. A shepherd does not bring his sheep to drink from rapids, but rest and refreshment comes from the quiet part of the stream. I believe even when life rushes around and sometimes over us like rapids, we can find those quiet waters in our Lord. In Him there is peace and rest, no matter in what circumstances you find yourself. I found that to be true then, and I still find that to be true today. Earlier this year I had 3 seperate people, all who walk with the Lord, but who have all had very different influences in my life, tell me I should write a book. I don't know what I have to say than what has already been written by much wiser people; and who am I really-just a girl whose desire is to walk with the Lord as wholeheartedly as this foolish heart can. But, I also can't ignore 3 different people, in 3 different conversations, within a month of each other, suggesting that to me. I have been praying about what I might say, what would be appropriate to say, but every once in awhile on a walk a "brilliant" idea comes to mind. This morning while Tom Bombadil and I strolled I decided I would attempt to restart this blog, without much intention of promoting it and explore what the Lord might want to say through me. Or maybe it will end up being more theraputic for me, without being a place to "spill the tea." If I have a reader whom the Lord can encourage closer to His heart through this, then maybe that is what this has all been about. 

 I love books. I love books with happy endings. Even those cheesy books with very predictable plots and endings. I think because life is not a predictible story, and I can find comfort that someone (no matter how fictional) gets to have that ending that I think I desire. I also really love deep and complicated stories that bring hope to darkness, that give us flawed characters who accomplish things no one would have expected of them. It gives flawed people like me hope. Hope that though I might try hard and fail, eventually my story will work out. Middle Earth is full of these stories. But also, the Bible is filled with these stories of real people who loved the Lord and failed. But He succeeded. When they surrendered their whole hearts to Lord, He gave strength and victory. When they sought Him for refuge, He covered them with His wings. He is always strong, always good, always fighting for His people, even for this girl. Though my ending is promised to be heavenly (haha), happiness is not promised. 

I use to beg God to make my story predictable. "Wouldn't this make a great plot twist here, Lord? Please?" I have great ideas, really, on how my life should go. But God is the Author of my Life, of my faith, and I realized this morning, walking with Tom Bombadil, not only does He not need my help, I no longer want to help Him. This story I am living is not one I would have written, but really, it's going to be so much better. The next chapter is unknown, I can't even begin to guess what the Lord is writing, but I know He is my favorite author (sorry, Tolkien) and can be trusted with my story, and He knows exactly where He is bringing this story. He won't run out of time and leave us hanging, He will complete my story. And it's going to bring Him glory, and I get to be a part of that. Now, rather than suggestions on what to write, my prayer is, "Lord, make me a character who is faithful to you through it all and to the end."