Growing up I attended Christian camps and conferences almost every year. One year at camp, my counselor called those of us raised in Christian homes “Wombies” because, according to her, we came out preaching the gospel! 😆 I loved camp, and the conferences (meant for youth) made me feel very grown up. These experiences played a huge role in my developing faith at the time. But one year at a conference, I remember listening to testimony after testimony of these amazing “come to Jesus” moments that people were having and feeling like being a “wombie” wasn’t that great of a thing. I didn’t have some super cool story to tell of how Jesus found me and rescued me from my sin or great trauma. As I have grown, I do see what a huge blessing my story has been, but at the time I didn’t see my own “come to Jesus” moment as miraculous as these.
I was never really very rebellious. The biggest trouble I got in during high school was staying late to help clean up the youth group New Year’s Eve party and then dropping off a few friends afterwards (Mom and Dad, I get why I was in trouble now-so sorry for the anxiety I gave you that night!). That isn’t to say I was perfect, I got spankings when I was little, told when I was in middle school I was never too old for them (and I believed my dad when he said that!), but for the most part, I didn’t get into a lot of trouble.
And this is where that “Good-Girl” complex comes to play. Because yes, on one hand I can feel like I don’t have a cool story, but on the other hand, I can struggle to feel superior because I’m so “good.” It’s really easy to look at people with obvious sins and look down on them for that. Maybe I’m not consciously thinking, “I’m so much better than that,” but maybe I am thinking, “I would never do that,” or, “I can’t believe they do___!” And somehow that pride slips in and I forget that ALL sin separates us from God, and that God does not have a scale on which he measures sin. This judgment that I have towards this other sinner separates me from God just as much as their sin separates them from God. Yes, different sins have different consequences here on earth, but all sin separates us from God. That’s why we all need a “come to Jesus” moment, but we need to not stop at that moment. We need to continue to come to him in confession and humility seeking his help to walk away from sin. Jesus died once for all our sins, but I need to come to Jesus more than once in confession of my sins.
I love how the Bible gives us pictures in which we can relate. In college, I was so struck by the example of our relationship with God being like a marriage relationship. We can picture this. We all at least know people who are married. The Old Testament uses this to show that when Israel is practicing idolatry, it is like a spouse having an affair. Walking away from the covenant between husband and wife. It’s easy for me to think, “this isn’t me! I follow Jesus!”
My own “come to Jesus moment” (when my faith became my own), happened at camp when the theme was about idolatry. I realized during that week of camp how many “idols” I had built around myself, how many things took my attention off of God. Though I went home and “took down” those idols, it is still something that causes me to struggle. That pride I was talking about earlier. That can be an idol. Or is it that I’m making an idol of myself? I might look like I’m good, I might not be blatantly sinning, but my struggle is with those inner thoughts, and I do have consequences that hurt others around me as well. I am very much a sinner in need of redemption, and I need to not forget that.
Several years ago, as I was studying the books of Exodus through Deuteronomy, God gave me the grace to connect these two thoughts and I realized I was the unfaithful spouse in this relationship between God and myself. I was struck by the pain I had caused, and that picture was very vivid to me. Never did I think I would be unfaithful; it’s easy to see yourself above some sins, and yet I realized that my unfaithfulness is a daily struggle for me. That pain that Jesus suffered on the cross was because of my unfaithfulness to my ever faithful husband, God. It’s easy to say, “yes I sin” and think “little sins,” it’s much harder to look at all of my sins as unfaithfulness to God, a breaking of covenant. As I studied all of these laws laid out in these books, I was overcome with awe at how many sacrifices Jesus covered, and how much work and striving he took away in order to make our covenant relationship eternal; possible.
When I worked as a victim advocate, court days were my favorite. I loved to watch the drama unfold, to see people be convicted of crimes and for justice to be delivered (at least, that was always what was hoped for). But as I sat in court one day, I was overcome with the picture of God as judge, and me the defendant. To know full well that I was guilty of anything being brought against me, but knowing that I wasn’t going to be given the punishment that I actually deserved. My good-girl complex being broken down even more. It changed my perspective a little on the defendants that I saw come in and out of the courtroom, and I began praying for them. That God would use this time to turn their hearts around, that he would put someone in their path to give them hope. Of course, there were always the defendants of the victims that I worked with and knew greater details of why they were there, that were a little harder to pray for, but those were just more opportunities for me to grow. To understand that God loves even these abusers (though let me point out he hates the evil that they do).
The question we need to ask ourselves here, is what do we do when we find ourselves in God’s courtroom? Do we barely hear what the Judge says to us, hoping for whatever plea deal to be given so we can get out and continue doing what we were doing before? Or do we listen to what the Judge says, the warnings that he gives? Do we pay attention to the One taking on the punishment we deserve and actually change our ways?
As one who can be quick to judge other’s actions, these lessons have been extremely important for me. I have come to learn that I really don’t know people’s stories, and I need to stop sitting in the courtroom of life judging other’s actions. I need to be able to honestly evaluate my own thoughts and actions, to listen to the judge. To see myself as the unfaithful one, and to plead with the One who has redeemed me to change my heart. Change my mind. Help me to be a reflection of him. To allow him to fight off the good-girl complex my mind likes to make up, and to recognize that without him, I am just as lost and hopeless as any I might want to judge.
