Living an Abundant Life in the midst of Grief

    I have never been one to sleep in. Mornings are my favorite; when the world is quiet and full of promises of new mercies for the new day. Most mornings are just me, Jesus and my coffee. It’s peaceful and I don’t want it to end. I learned this morning routine from my mother. I have memories from childhood of coming up the stairs in early mornings to Mom sitting on the couch, cup of coffee in her hand, Bible on her lap. I love visiting my parents in the summer because we join our morning times together, but on her porch, soaking in the newness of the day. Just writing about it makes me excited to go visit this summer.

    Recently in my morning quiet time, I came across John 10:10. Jesus says, “A thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I have come so that they may have life, and have it in abundance.” What I was studying was the difference between what Satan tries to do in our life verses what Jesus does. But I just paused on that second half of the verse and wondered, “What does abundant life look like in the midst of grief?”  I started journaling about it, completely sidetracked from the actual Bible Study I was doing. Satan has stolen, killed and destroyed some of the things in my life, but Jesus came to give me abundant life. Am I living it? 

   

    If you continue on to the next group of verses, Jesus begins talking about being the Good Shepherd, taking care of his sheep, willingly laying down his life for his sheep. He knows his sheep, his sheep know his voice. This made me think back to Psalms 23. In Psalms 23 we learn that God gives us ALL that we need, he leads us to green pastures and leads us beside quiet waters. He renews us, he leads us, he is with us no matter what we go through. Every amazing celebration and in the quietness and depth of every single hurt. We may face discipline, but it is for our good and done in his love. He has had victory over our enemy, whatever battle we face, he fights for us and he has already won. He chooses us, he anoints us. His goodness and faithful love are with us wherever we go. For our whole lives. We get to dwell with him all our days. Which all sounds like an abundant life to me.

    Which leads me back to my question, “What does abundant life look like in the midst of grief?” (Please keep in mind, I am no professional, these are just a few thoughts that have come from my own personal experience and study.)

    To start with, I always find it helpful to look up the definition of a word to help me more fully grasp what the word means. Abundance is, “ an extremely plentiful or over sufficient quantity or supply; overflowing fullness; affluence; wealth.” Looking at this briefly, then, I’m going to say that to have life in abundance means that we are so full with life, it flows out of us. Which then calls to mind Jesus as the living water. Jesus, our living water overflowing out of us. Joy, hope and peace overflowing out of us. Not something we earn or achieve, but something given to us. Romans 15:13 says, “Now may the God of hope fill you with all peace as you believe so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” If this is not something we are trying to achieve on our own, then we are back to being those sheep, allowing him to bring us to the quiet waters, the green pastures of our souls. Allowing him to bring healing and guidance. 

    When I bring my grief and brokenness to the feet of Jesus and surrender them to him to expertly craft back together as only he can, though I may not feel an over sufficient quantity of life in that moment, I can trust that my brokenness is being used to renew me. I need to be willing to be completely honest with him, and willing to do the work of healing. I need to be willing to continue to serve him, to obey him, to wait for him and his timing.

    I think another big piece of this is what we see at the end of the 23rd Psalm-dwell. When we dwell with him, we become a “permanent resident” in his presence. Recently my pastor did a series on John 15 and abiding in Jesus. This is that same kind of idea; we draw our strength and life and all that we need for an abundant life from him. He sustains us, he keeps us healthy, he helps us produce fruit. Sometimes that includes pruning, but pruning is an important part of health and growth for a plant. One thing that my pastor said during this series that was so meaningful to me was, “The Gardner is never closer to the rose bush than when he is pruning.” What a beautiful picture. During those seasons that are so difficult, so painful, our Gardner is kneeling down right there with us, finding exactly what branches need to be cut off for the plant to be strengthened and to be more productive.

    Along the same lines as dwelling and abiding is something we see throughout the Bible: waiting on the Lord. Several months ago I found myself often waiting to be in the next chapter of my life, waiting to be healed, waiting, waiting, waiting. As I was in the Word one morning and just talking to God, he gently asked me on what the Bible tells us to wait. This is something I have been watching out for quite a bit since, and I will tell you, not once in 4 months have I seen the Bible telling us to wait for healing or the next chapter. We are told to wait on the Lord, to wait on his strength. I have found this idea in so many books of the Bible, it will probably be its own blog one day, but for now I will try to quickly add it here because I think that waiting on the Lord is part of an abundant life, especially during times of grief. We don’t like to be uncomfortable, to have wounds; we do just want healing. But God can make those times of healing so sweet and draw us so close to his heart when we fix our eyes on him and wait for him. For his timing, for his plan. If you’ve read any of my other posts you know I’m a control freak and so this releasing and waiting is difficult for me. However, my moments of deepest faith and sweetest times with Jesus tend to be in the midst of really hard circumstances. 

    Abundant life might look a little different when we are in a season of grief, we might not feel like we have a wealth of life, but I do believe that the pruning and healing process is a part of an abundant life. And yes, sometimes our grief comes when we find ourselves in the middle of someone else’s consequences, but I have found that our own brokenness tends to be apart of that pain. We are far from perfect and live in a broken world, so we need these things to flourish.  When we cling to Jesus, the Holy Spirit fills us and overflows out of us, producing that abundant life. A plant does not keep the abundance for itself though. I think part of this abundant life is allowing the overflow to also nourish others. To encourage them. Even in our own difficult circumstances, when we are dwelling with and abiding in Jesus, we are given an overflow that can be shared with others. We can share what we are learning, even sharing our struggles can encourage others who have their own struggles.

    

    And the cool thing about all of this is that when you are consistently bringing him your hurt and trusting him with all of that, he is faithful to renew. You start having days that even feel like an abundant life. Yes there is hope for your future, but also hope for today. Jesus came to “heal the broken-hearted…to comfort all who mourn…to give beauty for ashes…and splendid clothes instead of despair.” (Is 61:1-3) As I face different “firsts” this year, they don’t all have to be hard and grief filled. Recently, as I was getting ready to face another first, I was talking with some wise friends who encouraged me to change my mindset. Rather than expecting grief, pray for joy, pray for days to be reclaimed and find ways to mark those days for Jesus. So I did. And on this particular first I was able to reclaim a day with joy.  Grief is one of those things that could make tomorrow feel much different, but it is so relieving to have days where you do have an overflowing fullness of life. 

    If you are in a season of grief, I urge you to bring that to the Lord. Press into him to sustain you. Wait on the Lord and allow him to do what he wants to do in and through you. He is trustworthy, even on the hardest of days. The life that he pours into you will be well worth the waiting and pain. 

“I am certain that I will see the LORD’s goodness in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart be courageous. Wait for the LORD.” Psalm 27:13, 14

After God’s Own Heart

 I'm finding myself wanting to write, but not sure what to write. I want to be able to process what I am feeling, but I also want to be relevant.  I am sitting in the silence of my home, I should be cleaning my kitchen, my refrigerator. 

On my computer screen I have a picture of a Montana road that I use to walk frequently. I love this picture because the sun is shining brightly behind some white wispy clouds approaching the mountains at the back left of the picture. The fields are covered with a small dusting of snow, and there is a road that stretches out as far as you can see. You can't tell exactly where the road is going, but you can see a small church in the background, and I imagine if you didn't know, you could picture that the road is heading into the little town towards that church. I loved walking this road. Often cows would be in the fields and they would possibly be the only other living thing I would see while walking. That kind of silence was peaceful. Welcomed. Weird how silence based on your circumstance can be either soothing or deafening. 

I have not been the best version of “me” lately. It’s weird because when it became evident last summer that my marriage was at an end, I was strong, I took care of myself-eating what I should, exercising, getting the rest that I needed. But after the divorce was finalized, that all fell apart. While we were going through the finalization process, I felt confident and knew I was on the right road, afterwards the grief of the death of hopes and dreams became a reality. I’m trying to have grace with myself for what I am going through, but also, I want to be past this. 

I’m currently doing a 5 week study on seeing Jesus in the Old Testament. This morning I looked into the life of David. David is a Bible character with whom I have unresolved issues. I know that is very unChristian of me, and I also know that every other Bible character that we see this much of also has a whole lot of faults, but David is the one on whom I’m hardest. I get how amazing of a warrior he was, how much he trusted God, he was one whom God looked at and said, "now that's a heart of a man I would choose to be king." He was "a man after God's own heart." So how is it that he could so deeply hurt those closest to him? How could he so deeply hurt Uriah, and Bathsheba? And how could he so deeply hurt his people? How could a man after God's own heart be a part of such a betrayal? 

Typing out those questions makes me ask myself, ‘am I expecting there to be the proper kind of sin for a king after God's own heart?’ Yes, I guess I am. I guess my expectations for a man whom God describes with such an honor are for him to be a little less human. To be a little more "perfect." A little more stable. If a man with that kind of prestige can make such a "big" mistake with consequences that affect not only himself, but also those around him, who can we trust? 

*sigh* And all of a sudden, there is my hypocrisy laid out for me. It is so easy to look at other people's sins and judge them for it, isn't it? I am again reminded of my own unfaithfulness to the Lord when I look down on other people, when I try to take control of my own life, or when I am careless with my words and hurt others. I am not always trustworthy myself. If I am repeatedly unfaithful to God, why is it that I am so quick to look down on a man God himself called, “a man after God’s own heart”? 

I was struck this morning as I was studying this phrase about David. I began wondering, what kind of “after” does it mean? After as in, I have freckles like my Gram did because I take after her, or after like chasing after. Now, I’m sure if you know the Hebrew, there is a very certain definition, but I actually really like both of those meanings. How cool to have a heart like God’s heart because it was passed down to you, but also, shouldn’t we all be chasing after God’s heart? And if David was chasing after God’s heart, but, like I often do, slipped and fell, shouldn’t I have a little bit of empathy and grace for him? I know I am filled with flaws, but I would love if God’s words describing me were, “a woman after God’s own heart.” If David could still be described this way, even after, maybe there is hope for me to also get such a label. Maybe, rather than focusing on the part of David’s story where he makes mistakes, I should focus on God’s response to him in the midst of his fall and after his repentance. And maybe I should be so grateful that David’s adultery and murder didn’t disqualify him from that, because I too can have that chance. I can be especially grateful because my Redeemer guaranteed I would not be disqualified from that. What an amazing time in Biblical history for us to live! We can know how God sees us when we believe in his Son. We can know we are forgiven by Jesus’ blood and that he has not given up on us yet. He makes us a new creation when we believe in him, he sees us as wearing Jesus’ robes of righteousness.