DIVORCE. It's like a 4-letter word for marriages, something you don't say, something you never suggest. Until you realize you must. This summer I came to realize it was time. God hates divorce and I understand a little more why. It tears you apart. Two become one in a marriage, but when that one is torn apart by divorce, you don't get two again, you get fractions. I am a fraction struggling with shame and self-judgement. I have been taught and I believe that divorce is wrong, that you need to fight and work hard to make marriage work. And now here I am, facing divorce. It took me a while to recognize my shame, but once I was able to name it, I brought it to the feet of my Lord. I have been wrestling with it. I have felt like the woman clinging to Jesus' feet washing his feet with her tears and hair. I am undeserving of His love, His affection, His forgivness, His faithfulness. For several weeks I have pictured myself crying at His feet, ashamed of where I am. And then yesterday, as I sat in His presence, I imagined Him pushing my hair back and He said to me, "My child, I have not given you this judgement or shame. You have put that upon yourself." I love these freeing moments with Jesus, but they drive you to understand the heart of where you are wrong. And yet again I am faced with my pride. "I couldn't fix it, I couldn't save it, therefore I am a failure." When did my thinking get so self-focused?
I have been so encouraged by the Japanese art form of Kintsugi. Starting in the 15th century, the Japanese began repairing broken pottery with gold. The gold would make the pottery stronger and added an element of beauty and worth that was not there before. I love this idea that this is what God does with us in our brokenness. He repairs us so we are stronger and more beautiful than before. I continue to remind myself of this as I am hurting, walking through the process of healing. I would so love to just skip ahead and miss this painful process, but it is in this process that we are made to look more like Jesus. He is the gold that repairs us. He makes us stronger. He makes us more beautiful. He makes us worth so much more than we ever are on our own.
What are you struggling with today? What areas do you need to wrestle over with Jesus and let Him heal? Where are you replacing His words of who you are with your own? I encourage you to walk the hard road of healing with me. Lay your burdens at the feet of Jesus and let Him repair you in a way that will make you stronger, more beautiful. I know the road feels scary. It can even feel desperately lonely. But He is there. Like me, you don't derserve His love, His affection, His forgiveness or faithfulness. That's the beauty. No one does, but He extends that freely and abundently to us.
