Wrestling with Surrender

    Have you ever experienced that you have known something to be true, but then realize your heart doesn't actually believe it? Your brain knows, but your heart really doesn't. It's a weird tension within. I have had to wrestle with this tension about a few things in recent years. I want to believe that my heart is fully on board with the things God is doing in my life, but sometimes I recognize that I have been allowing and helping the enemy write a different story. I had another one of those realizations yesterday.

    I had read something in the morning about surrendering our plans to God and when I proceeded to once again lay my plans at his feet, I noticed deep grief in my heart. Over the last couple of years I have learned to listen to those feelings and evaluate where they are coming from. So as I drove to Winco yesterday morning for my weekly trip to the grocery store, I asked God, "Why do I always feel grief when I am turning over the desires of my heart to you?" It was in the parking lot of Winco that he revealed that my brain knows God works for my good, my brain knows that every good and perfect gift is from God, but because God has allowed so many difficult situations in my life, my heart isn't believing that. 

    Now, I know God has greatly blessed my life with my children, my job, my family and friends. But some of the deep desires of my heart have not only been unanswered, it can sometimes feel like I've gotten the opposite. I also know in my heart that all the difficult circumstances that I have been through are a blessing, and I actually wouldn't trade them for easier ones. God has used those circumstances to draw me closer to his heart. He has given me deep joy and peace. I know I can trust God, but my heart is... maybe... a little stubborn and scared. 

    I have written about this before. Needing to let go of my perceived control. It's scary though. God does allow difficult circumstances in our life to grow us (I'm starting to look like a hobbit drinking Ent water), to bring him glory. I can't stop that, but can I trust him to have my best interest at heart? Can I trust him to know the best plans for me? The obvious answers are yes, but will I trust him, really and truly trust him? He knows the plans he has for me, my job is to call to him, to go to him in prayer. My job is to seek him with all of my heart. He promises I will find him when I do, and really, that is my heart's desire. I easily get caught up in other desires, but above all else, I do want to be in his presence. In his will. Basking in his love. Even if that means a lifetime of hardship. Phew! That's terrifying to write.

    I was listening recently to The Bible Project podcast. In this particular episode they were discussing the kingdom of God, starting in the Old Testament. Tim Mackie said this of the Israelites wanting a human king, "As opposed to saying, 'We want to be more faithful to the God of Israel and live under his reign, so a king would help us do that,' they say, 'No, we want to be like Egypt and Babylon; we want a king who will have absolute power.'" It got me thinking, how often do I try and press what I want before God's timing? Or, how often do I want things so that they can help me be more faithful to God? If I'm being completely honest, I can't say that's a thought I've often had about the desires of my heart. But I think it doesn't take much for me to get there. To lay those desires down and to say, "Lord, I feel like this would help me be more faithful to you," but with that I also need to add, "not my will, but yours be done." I can't let those desires of my heart be so important to me that if I don't get them, it sends me into deep grief. Then they are taking too great of a place in my heart; they are idols and something of which I need to repent. 

    Jesus, for all of those things that I desire and have somehow allowed to become more important to me than you and your will in my life, I ask for forgiveness and lay those things at your feet. I do trust you to give me good gifts, to have good things planned for me. Help my unbelief. Take my broken ideas of what is good, and help me see the great blessings you have poured into my life. I know I only see a small glimpse of what you are doing, help me to keep this in mind, to remember that you hold the completed project in your hand. Thank you for not letting the difficult circumstances that you have allowed into my life to be wasted, but have instead used them to grow me closer to you. Keep my heart soft towards you, seeking you every step of this life. Thank you that you are the One who will keep working in me until I am complete.

God's Faithfulness

    One of my most vivid memories took place when I was 12 or 13. I was sitting downstairs on our couch, it was a sunny (I think spring) day, and my dad must have been practicing karate in the area right next to the couch. I don't remember why I was sitting on the couch, but my dad stopped practicing and started talking to me about never denying Christ. My dad told me that no matter what happened to me, or to anyone I loved, I was to never deny Christ. He said, pointing to the cottonwood tree in our backyard, "Even if someone were to come and string me up in that tree and threaten to torture and kill me unless you deny Jesus, you should not deny Christ. And know, that even though I will be in pain, I will be so proud of you for standing by your faith." Wow. Scared me to death that was going to happen, but it has had a huge impact on me in both my relationships over the years as well as in my faith.     

    We all have different values that are important to the core of who we are. Loyalty is one of those values that is deep within the core of who I am.  When you are one of my people, I look for the best in you and will stick with you through really hard times. I will bring you meals on discouraging or hard days, I will pray consistently for you, I will do what I can for you. One of my biggest regrets in life comes from a time when I let peer pressure override my loyalty. It is a shame I am still learning to let go of today, and that happened in 6th grade. 

    Loyalty is a really great quality, but like all character qualities, we can allow our sin into it and then be loyal to a fault. Or mislabel what loyalty actually is. When you let those you are loyal to continually hurt you, you are being disloyal to yourself and really, it is being disloyal to that person as well. Loyalty is sticking with your people, but it is not letting someone walk in sin. A part of loyalty means helping each other be the best of who you are which means you sometimes have to have the hard conversations about sin.

    When loyalty is broken on one side of a relationship, trust is broken on the other. And it's weird how disloyalty leading to distrust in one relationship can so easily effect loyalty and trust in other relationships. A relationship goes wrong in one area and you start doubting all your friendships. A beautiful thing can happen though, when we take our eyes off of our fellow sinners and their actions and place our eyes instead upon the One who is always loyal to his people. 

    God's faithfulness has always amazed me, but in the last decade it has become vitally important to me. It has held me fast and helped me to stand firm in my faith no matter the circumstances in which I have found myself. Knowing God will keep his promises simply because it is in his nature to do so, and he cannot go against his nature, has been an anchor for my soul. In fact, leaning into all that the Bible teaches us of who God is has helped hold me fast. There have been times when it seemed like God had stopped listening to my prayers and laments, even though my prayers seem to be in line with what the Bible teaches. Sometimes it seems like God doesn't care, like he isn't paying attention, like he has found something better to do than listen to my little worries. Sometimes this comes from my unfaithfulness to the Lord, but I have also found it in times when I have been walking in step with him. Those are the times it is most difficult to feel unheard because, even though his grace and mercy have nothing to do with my performance, there is still a part of me that does think it has to do with my performance a little bit. Thankfully his faithfulness is not dependent on me in the slightest. During these times I look at what the Bible teaches me about the character of God. Not listening to or caring about me would go against his nature, and so I can trust  that he does see, he does know, he does care and he is working in and through whatever situation I am in currently. I can trust that his way is better than the way I imagine is best. 

    Several weeks ago, I was walking with a friend I hadn't seen in a few years who has experienced heart-wrenching loss. We were sharing with each other some of the pain we had both walked through. I said something to the effect of God's faithfulness helping me through the last few years and she asked me, "How has he been faithful?" Wow. It's easy to say that God has been faithful, but to say specific ways that he has been faithful can be a little bit more challenging. I don't remember the answer I gave, but it has gotten me thinking. I have been making a list of ways God has been faithful, and though my list is far from complete, it has been a really good exercise for me to do. It's challenging and stretching my faith brain to see things in my life as God's hand. I won't give my exhaustive list here, but a few things on the list are: 

• God has provided jobs for me along the way. And when I say God has provided, I mean he has handed them to me. Most of the jobs I have had in the last 10 years I haven't even interviewed. Someone either knew me and asked me to do the job, or knew someone who knew me and so they brought me in for an interview but didn't really interview me. One job, I went in for an interview but they had some changes in Human Resources and so instead of the interview I was handed the hiring paperwork. These jobs have helped me see my situation through different eyes, given me confidence that I have lacked, and they all have been jobs that were exactly what my heart needed at the time. When I started working at the school last year, I didn't want to work full time, but God knew what my year held and knew I would need a full time job. And, even better, the job I got turned into teaching first grade. If you read my Facebook feed at all, you know how much I love my class! God knew I was going to need these kiddos this year!
• God has also been faithful by strategically placing people in my life that have helped me walk this frightening road. People who have been on similar roads, or who have been able to point out errors in thinking. People who have pointed me back to the Lord, and who have helped me see wrong being done to me and the wrong I was doing. People who have helped me set boundaries and whose support helped me to be courageous enough to stick to those boundaries. My parents who have prayed for me, and supported me, no matter if they agreed with my decision or not. It's nice to know you always have a safe place to go should you need it. To those of you who have been strategically placed, I am so incredibly grateful you allowed God to use you in my life.
• God has also been faithful through the love of my children. I am so extremely proud of my kids. If you've met them, you know I was blessed with 2 of the best. I have often marveled at how they just came that way. I had to learn early on to hold them loosely, we never know how long God will bless us with our children, but as they reach adulthood it is getting harder to do! I just want to turn back the years a little. Hold on just a little longer. I can't believe how close they are to leaving my nest, but I am so excited to see what God is going to do in them and through them. 

    I am fast approaching a chapter I would never have written for myself and therefore I have no idea what is in it. As a planner, this is terrifying! But what I do know is this: God is faithful in that chapter too. There is hope and joy and sadness there. And my Good God. I am excited that it is full of new dreams God is and will be giving to me. I am excited for the people who will be joining me in it. People I know well and people I may not yet know. People I can witness to and encourage and people who will witness to and encourage me. People with whom I can share an adventure. May God continue to hold fast my heart in this next chapter. 

"Great is Thy faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me"

-ing

When my kids were little they used to love to play this game called “Gobey Monster.” I did not create the name, one year old Bree did. I, the Gobey Monster, would hide, and they would come searching. I would jump out and chase them saying, “Gobey Gobey Gobey!” and chase them until they would jump under the covers safe with their dad (again, this game was created by a one year old). As they grew older and still loved to play this game, I had to make it more challenging by turning lights off and hiding really well. I often let them pass by me before I would jump out from behind them and scare them. (I know what you’re thinking, I’m the reason my kids might need therapy! Lol) Oh man, I love to scare people. My poor, helpless young children. 

Healing can be this way, sneaking from out behind and completely catching us off guard. (Did that just turn dark so quickly? haha) As I was preparing to leave the school yesterday, I had gotten so much accomplished and realized I wouldn’t need to come in over the weekend to prep for the week as long as I get to school early Monday (this is a rare thing for me). I was practically bouncing when I walked out of the school with that knowledge. It was going to be a good a restful weekend! 

And then this morning hit. And the grief, and the proof that it is healing, not healed. My bounce was gone, I felt wounds reopening, and the stress of new adulting responsibilities overwhelming me. My quiet time was spent asking God why I was still dealing with these things. Why I had to do these stupid adult things, and why could I not just go live in a Hobbit Hole? (God is so very patient with me. We have these conversations a little too frequently. I would make a very good Hobbit.) I was so close to tears all morning, but had responsibilities to do. The newest thing on my plate was taking care of my lawnmower. You see, last October winterizing my lawnmower was the furtherest thing from my brain. Only until it came time to take it out, did I actually think about that. So I had to change the oil and deal with the old gas. I found videos on how to change the oil, but for the life of me couldn’t figure out how to dispose of the gas. So I did what every adult would do. Called Dad. Poor Dad, I don’t know if he could hear the tears I was trying to hide, but he walked me through my first problem. 

I went shopping returned home, put groceries away, cleaned the kitchen sat down to eat lunch and...cried. I am so tired of having to come again and again to this pain. But here is proof of that -ing. After I cried, I did not pull out junk food, I did not turn to Netflix or Social Media for mindless scrolling, trying to push down the pain. I pulled up my big girl panties, changed the oil in my lawnmower, and then...called Dad again because my problem wasn’t quite the same as I originally thought. But Dad didn’t answer, so I called Mom. She answered and then was the go between for Dad and I. Poor Dad. I hope he’s having a glass of wine tonight! I mowed my lawn today using the mower I serviced by myself (with Dad as phone support) and felt like the Biggest Boss Lady Ever! It’s the small things that make us feel that way right?

The thing is, I would love for God to decide to make me a Hobbit who lives in the very peaceful Shire (not sure what town in the Shire I would choose to live in, but I guess that’s a discussion for another time), but I have yet to find that promise of a life of ease on this earth (hint, you won't find it cause it's not there). God hasn’t called me to a life of ease. But he has called me to wait on him for strength, for courage, for rest. He has called me to trust him with the details of my life.  He calls me to trust him even knowing that the “Gobey Monster” of pain and grief will still jump out at unknown times and take me completely by surprise.

 “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young. Let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust— there may yet be hope. Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace. For no one is cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone.” Lamentations‬ ‭3‬:‭22‬-‭33‬ ‭

These words have always been such a comfort to me. Most people probably know the first 2 verses really well, but that's not where the beauty of Jeremiah's reminder to himself and to Judah ends. Suffering and pain is ugly, and dirty, it isn't fun. But, "there may yet be hope....Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love." But for me in my grieving I also find conviction in these verses. Like I hinted at earlier, I would rather push down the pain when it tries to come, but in these verses we are told to "wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord," and to " sit alone in silence," to "bury [your] face in the dust." You can't ignore your hurt. Sit in silence before the Lord with it. Wait for him. Bury your face in the dust of humility before the Lord. Deal with the pain. It's in the burying, and the silence and the waiting that our healing will come. God does not want you to suffer, he has hope for you. He has hope for me. And One Day, all of this pain will be gone, there will be no more Gobey Monsters hiding around the corner, no more new and fresh pain waiting to take us down, and he will bring us into healed. "So great is his unfailing love!"