One of my most vivid memories took place when I was 12 or 13. I was sitting downstairs on our couch, it was a sunny (I think spring) day, and my dad must have been practicing karate in the area right next to the couch. I don't remember why I was sitting on the couch, but my dad stopped practicing and started talking to me about never denying Christ. My dad told me that no matter what happened to me, or to anyone I loved, I was to never deny Christ. He said, pointing to the cottonwood tree in our backyard, "Even if someone were to come and string me up in that tree and threaten to torture and kill me unless you deny Jesus, you should not deny Christ. And know, that even though I will be in pain, I will be so proud of you for standing by your faith." Wow. Scared me to death that was going to happen, but it has had a huge impact on me in both my relationships over the years as well as in my faith.
We all have different values that are important to the core of who we are. Loyalty is one of those values that is deep within the core of who I am. When you are one of my people, I look for the best in you and will stick with you through really hard times. I will bring you meals on discouraging or hard days, I will pray consistently for you, I will do what I can for you. One of my biggest regrets in life comes from a time when I let peer pressure override my loyalty. It is a shame I am still learning to let go of today, and that happened in 6th grade.
Loyalty is a really great quality, but like all character qualities, we can allow our sin into it and then be loyal to a fault. Or mislabel what loyalty actually is. When you let those you are loyal to continually hurt you, you are being disloyal to yourself and really, it is being disloyal to that person as well. Loyalty is sticking with your people, but it is not letting someone walk in sin. A part of loyalty means helping each other be the best of who you are which means you sometimes have to have the hard conversations about sin.
When loyalty is broken on one side of a relationship, trust is broken on the other. And it's weird how disloyalty leading to distrust in one relationship can so easily effect loyalty and trust in other relationships. A relationship goes wrong in one area and you start doubting all your friendships. A beautiful thing can happen though, when we take our eyes off of our fellow sinners and their actions and place our eyes instead upon the One who is always loyal to his people.
God's faithfulness has always amazed me, but in the last decade it has become vitally important to me. It has held me fast and helped me to stand firm in my faith no matter the circumstances in which I have found myself. Knowing God will keep his promises simply because it is in his nature to do so, and he cannot go against his nature, has been an anchor for my soul. In fact, leaning into all that the Bible teaches us of who God is has helped hold me fast. There have been times when it seemed like God had stopped listening to my prayers and laments, even though my prayers seem to be in line with what the Bible teaches. Sometimes it seems like God doesn't care, like he isn't paying attention, like he has found something better to do than listen to my little worries. Sometimes this comes from my unfaithfulness to the Lord, but I have also found it in times when I have been walking in step with him. Those are the times it is most difficult to feel unheard because, even though his grace and mercy have nothing to do with my performance, there is still a part of me that does think it has to do with my performance a little bit. Thankfully his faithfulness is not dependent on me in the slightest. During these times I look at what the Bible teaches me about the character of God. Not listening to or caring about me would go against his nature, and so I can trust that he does see, he does know, he does care and he is working in and through whatever situation I am in currently. I can trust that his way is better than the way I imagine is best.
Several weeks ago, I was walking with a friend I hadn't seen in a few years who has experienced heart-wrenching loss. We were sharing with each other some of the pain we had both walked through. I said something to the effect of God's faithfulness helping me through the last few years and she asked me, "How has he been faithful?" Wow. It's easy to say that God has been faithful, but to say specific ways that he has been faithful can be a little bit more challenging. I don't remember the answer I gave, but it has gotten me thinking. I have been making a list of ways God has been faithful, and though my list is far from complete, it has been a really good exercise for me to do. It's challenging and stretching my faith brain to see things in my life as God's hand. I won't give my exhaustive list here, but a few things on the list are:
- God has provided jobs for me along the way. And when I say God has provided, I mean he has handed them to me. Most of the jobs I have had in the last 10 years I haven't even interviewed. Someone either knew me and asked me to do the job, or knew someone who knew me and so they brought me in for an interview but didn't really interview me. One job, I went in for an interview but they had some changes in Human Resources and so instead of the interview I was handed the hiring paperwork. These jobs have helped me see my situation through different eyes, given me confidence that I have lacked, and they all have been jobs that were exactly what my heart needed at the time. When I started working at the school last year, I didn't want to work full time, but God knew what my year held and knew I would need a full time job. And, even better, the job I got turned into teaching first grade. If you read my Facebook feed at all, you know how much I love my class! God knew I was going to need these kiddos this year!
- God has also been faithful by strategically placing people in my life that have helped me walk this frightening road. People who have been on similar roads, or who have been able to point out errors in thinking. People who have pointed me back to the Lord, and who have helped me see wrong being done to me and the wrong I was doing. People who have helped me set boundaries and whose support helped me to be courageous enough to stick to those boundaries. My parents who have prayed for me, and supported me, no matter if they agreed with my decision or not. It's nice to know you always have a safe place to go should you need it. To those of you who have been strategically placed, I am so incredibly grateful you allowed God to use you in my life.
- God has also been faithful through the love of my children. I am so extremely proud of my kids. If you've met them, you know I was blessed with 2 of the best. I have often marveled at how they just came that way. I had to learn early on to hold them loosely, we never know how long God will bless us with our children, but as they reach adulthood it is getting harder to do! I just want to turn back the years a little. Hold on just a little longer. I can't believe how close they are to leaving my nest, but I am so excited to see what God is going to do in them and through them.
Great is Thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me"
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