Have you ever experienced that you have known something to be true, but then realize your heart doesn't actually believe it? Your brain knows, but your heart really doesn't. It's a weird tension within. I have had to wrestle with this tension about a few things in recent years. I want to believe that my heart is fully on board with the things God is doing in my life, but sometimes I recognize that I have been allowing and helping the enemy write a different story. I had another one of those realizations yesterday.
I had read something in the morning about surrendering our plans to God and when I proceeded to once again lay my plans at his feet, I noticed deep grief in my heart. Over the last couple of years I have learned to listen to those feelings and evaluate where they are coming from. So as I drove to Winco yesterday morning for my weekly trip to the grocery store, I asked God, "Why do I always feel grief when I am turning over the desires of my heart to you?" It was in the parking lot of Winco that he revealed that my brain knows God works for my good, my brain knows that every good and perfect gift is from God, but because God has allowed so many difficult situations in my life, my heart isn't believing that.
Now, I know God has greatly blessed my life with my children, my job, my family and friends. But some of the deep desires of my heart have not only been unanswered, it can sometimes feel like I've gotten the opposite. I also know in my heart that all the difficult circumstances that I have been through are a blessing, and I actually wouldn't trade them for easier ones. God has used those circumstances to draw me closer to his heart. He has given me deep joy and peace. I know I can trust God, but my heart is... maybe... a little stubborn and scared.
I have written about this before. Needing to let go of my perceived control. It's scary though. God does allow difficult circumstances in our life to grow us (I'm starting to look like a hobbit drinking Ent water), to bring him glory. I can't stop that, but can I trust him to have my best interest at heart? Can I trust him to know the best plans for me? The obvious answers are yes, but will I trust him, really and truly trust him? He knows the plans he has for me, my job is to call to him, to go to him in prayer. My job is to seek him with all of my heart. He promises I will find him when I do, and really, that is my heart's desire. I easily get caught up in other desires, but above all else, I do want to be in his presence. In his will. Basking in his love. Even if that means a lifetime of hardship. Phew! That's terrifying to write.
I was listening recently to The Bible Project podcast. In this particular episode they were discussing the kingdom of God, starting in the Old Testament. Tim Mackie said this of the Israelites wanting a human king, "As opposed to saying, 'We want to be more faithful to the God of Israel and live under his reign, so a king would help us do that,' they say, 'No, we want to be like Egypt and Babylon; we want a king who will have absolute power.'" It got me thinking, how often do I try and press what I want before God's timing? Or, how often do I want things so that they can help me be more faithful to God? If I'm being completely honest, I can't say that's a thought I've often had about the desires of my heart. But I think it doesn't take much for me to get there. To lay those desires down and to say, "Lord, I feel like this would help me be more faithful to you," but with that I also need to add, "not my will, but yours be done." I can't let those desires of my heart be so important to me that if I don't get them, it sends me into deep grief. Then they are taking too great of a place in my heart; they are idols and something of which I need to repent.
Jesus, for all of those things that I desire and have somehow allowed to become more important to me than you and your will in my life, I ask for forgiveness and lay those things at your feet. I do trust you to give me good gifts, to have good things planned for me. Help my unbelief. Take my broken ideas of what is good, and help me see the great blessings you have poured into my life. I know I only see a small glimpse of what you are doing, help me to keep this in mind, to remember that you hold the completed project in your hand. Thank you for not letting the difficult circumstances that you have allowed into my life to be wasted, but have instead used them to grow me closer to you. Keep my heart soft towards you, seeking you every step of this life. Thank you that you are the One who will keep working in me until I am complete.
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