Sometimes life sucks, but God is still good

The New Testament talks about the flesh and Spirit being at war with each other. The flesh desires sinful things cravings growing the more we feed it, but the Spirit in us desiring to please the Lord. Often this leads to a lot of turmoil inside while the two wage war. And although the flesh wins at times as we fall into temptation, the more time we spend in the presence of Jesus, the more that bothers us, and the more we will (hopefully) lean into the Spirit to help us flee those temptations. 

I have always liked Math and numbers because they are controllable, they make sense. If you follow an equation, you can get the right answer. If you don't get the right answer, you go back, look through your work, find the mistake and fix it. Boom! Right answer. I also have always loved LEGO (yes even still), for the same reason. I can follow a set of instructions and get the expected outcome. There is so much control I can have over LEGO. My LEGO city is a safe space! Each brick very carefully placed so that it is straight and the little "LEGO" on each brick facing the same direction. I might have a control issue. Which brings me to a huge area where my flesh and the Spirit are at war (no, not my LEGO room, don't worry!). I want to be able to control the outcome of my life, or the things (and even people sometimes *ouch*) in my life so that life can be neat and trim and tidy and all the little LEGO words going the same direction. "I did this and this, therefore, that should happen." Didn't work? Rework the equation. But life isn't this way. I have yet to receive a brick seperator (used to take apart LEGO pieces when you make a mistake) for life. This is what my flesh wants. A life brick seperator (also, LEGO makes them in different colors for collectors sake...just saying...) or an eraser so the equation can be re-worked. Instead, the Spirit in me calls me to hand over the pencil or instructions I have made and trust the Lord who already knows what each day holds. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own [equation]. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight." (Proverbs 3:5) 

I have noticed the flesh and Spirit to be at war even in my healing process, and I am so grateful for that. As the flesh part of me screams questions like, "Why?!" or "How?!" the Spirit in me has grace and compassion for that hurt but holds my heart steady. I was driving yesterday and reflecting on this. I am so thankful I serve a God who listens to my "whys?" and doesn't get angry with me; who looks past the obstinate to the hurting heart. I am also very grateful that in the midst of me screaming "life isn't fair," that deep in my soul I know that God is good, He hasn't changed and He isn't going to. He is my Rock, my Fortress and my Provider. His Loving-kindness exceeds my human-ness; that human-ness that wants to pull out my work to prove I did what I was supposed to, so why doesn't a+b=c in this case? Why can't I make life a safe-space like my LEGO room? I feel the jaded and wounded parts of me, but I can rest easy and have compassion and grace for myself in that because my God is in control of my life, and my heart is clinging to Him, even in the chaos of life. Proverbs 3:7, 8 "Don't be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil. Then you will have healing for your body and strength for your bones."

New Chapter

I started this blog several years ago when my son, Kayden, was diagnoised with cancer. I used the blog to keep people updated on that journey, and to process many of the feelings I was having. I took the title, "Walking beside quiet waters," from the 23rd Psalm. A shepherd does not bring his sheep to drink from rapids, but rest and refreshment comes from the quiet part of the stream. I believe even when life rushes around and sometimes over us like rapids, we can find those quiet waters in our Lord. In Him there is peace and rest, no matter in what circumstances you find yourself. I found that to be true then, and I still find that to be true today. Earlier this year I had 3 seperate people, all who walk with the Lord, but who have all had very different influences in my life, tell me I should write a book. I don't know what I have to say than what has already been written by much wiser people; and who am I really-just a girl whose desire is to walk with the Lord as wholeheartedly as this foolish heart can. But, I also can't ignore 3 different people, in 3 different conversations, within a month of each other, suggesting that to me. I have been praying about what I might say, what would be appropriate to say, but every once in awhile on a walk a "brilliant" idea comes to mind. This morning while Tom Bombadil and I strolled I decided I would attempt to restart this blog, without much intention of promoting it and explore what the Lord might want to say through me. Or maybe it will end up being more theraputic for me, without being a place to "spill the tea." If I have a reader whom the Lord can encourage closer to His heart through this, then maybe that is what this has all been about. 

 I love books. I love books with happy endings. Even those cheesy books with very predictable plots and endings. I think because life is not a predictible story, and I can find comfort that someone (no matter how fictional) gets to have that ending that I think I desire. I also really love deep and complicated stories that bring hope to darkness, that give us flawed characters who accomplish things no one would have expected of them. It gives flawed people like me hope. Hope that though I might try hard and fail, eventually my story will work out. Middle Earth is full of these stories. But also, the Bible is filled with these stories of real people who loved the Lord and failed. But He succeeded. When they surrendered their whole hearts to Lord, He gave strength and victory. When they sought Him for refuge, He covered them with His wings. He is always strong, always good, always fighting for His people, even for this girl. Though my ending is promised to be heavenly (haha), happiness is not promised. 

I use to beg God to make my story predictable. "Wouldn't this make a great plot twist here, Lord? Please?" I have great ideas, really, on how my life should go. But God is the Author of my Life, of my faith, and I realized this morning, walking with Tom Bombadil, not only does He not need my help, I no longer want to help Him. This story I am living is not one I would have written, but really, it's going to be so much better. The next chapter is unknown, I can't even begin to guess what the Lord is writing, but I know He is my favorite author (sorry, Tolkien) and can be trusted with my story, and He knows exactly where He is bringing this story. He won't run out of time and leave us hanging, He will complete my story. And it's going to bring Him glory, and I get to be a part of that. Now, rather than suggestions on what to write, my prayer is, "Lord, make me a character who is faithful to you through it all and to the end."