Blessed

     I originally started this post much different than I am now. I find myself in this weird place where I know the Lord is going to take care of me, I know He is going to heal me, and my job is to dwell in Him, to remain connected to the vine. And yet, I hear myself talking to others and I don't like the way I sound. I am in a hard place, somewhere I never imagined myself being, but I know God is with me, I know He has plans for me, and I know I can trust Him and His plans. Why do my words not seem to match that? Honestly, it makes me want to crawl inside myself and stop talking with people. Don't worry, I am not letting myself do that, but I am also now working with Jesus on fixing the way I sound. So, if you are someone I have conversations with, please be patient with me, and I'm sorry if I sound negative-I hear it too!

    I thought instead I would focus on a few things that the Lord has been teaching my heart lately. Probably the biggest thing (biggest because it's been popping up everywhere) is the idea that God is with me. To type that seems silly, but sometimes God re-teaches our hearts something that just has more depth, is more personal. At least, to this hard-headed girl. This past Advent I have been so struck that Immanuel not only meant Jesus coming as a baby and living on earth, but that He is still with me. I have been seeing so many verses in a new light. My pastor pointed out Revelation 3:20, "See! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me," (emphasis added). Of course, Joshua 1:9, "Haven't I commanded you: be strong and courageous? Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you WHEREVER you go," (emphasis added). And then in my reading I came across Isaiah 57:15, "For the High and Exalted One, who lives forever, whose name is holy, says this: 'I live in a high and holy place, and with the oppressed and lowly of spirit, to revive the spirt of the lowly and revive the heart of the oppressed'," (emphasis added). Is there anything more beautiful? This idea that the High and Exalted One lives with me, just...blows me away. Leaves me speechless and in complete awe. Heals my abandoned heart in ways nothing else can. That the Creator of all things should care about my heart? There really are no words! 

    God has also been reminding my heart to, "Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in everything; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thes 5:16-18). I was challenged in a devotional I read yesterday to list out all that I am grateful for in this last year. Here are a few: 

    Of course my children, Bree and Kayden. I am so proud of these kids. 

• Bree is hard working and focused. She sees hurt and does what she can to encourage. She does not ask for things for herself, but always wants to give. She is brilliant and always wanting to grow her knowledge and encourage others to grow theirs. I can't believe my baby girl is a senior this year, but I know God will do great things in and through her. 

• Kayden is loyal and protective. He tries to make hard situations lighter, and wants to keep the peace. He sees things when I don't realize he is watching and always checks in later to make sure I'm okay.

• This year we had the opportunity to go to Disney World together, and although it was mostly a trip for me, the three of us had a great time together (even if we were melting in the humidity!). I especially loved exploring Animal Kingdom and Epcot with them. 💖

• My family-my mom and dad, my sisters-who have been so supportive of the decisions I've made, and who are standing with me where I am now. Also, the more I hear other people's stories, the more I realize how blessed I have been with the family God gave me.

• I am also so grateful for the job that God provided for me at a time I had no idea I would need one. Since having kids, I have been a stay-at-home mom or had part time jobs. Being available for my kids has been so important for me. I was hesitant to take a full-time job, but God very clearly was leading me that way. Little did I know in May I would be ending the year the way I am. I love my first graders, and I love being able to teach about phonics and Jesus at the same time. I love to be able to stop a lesson to pray for a student who is struggling. I love the hugs that I get randomly throughout the day (writing math problems on the board and all of a sudden arms around my waist, random). God knew exactly what I needed to keep me going and help me heal. What a caring God we serve!

• The last thing I will mention (though I am grateful for so much more), is that God is teaching me to be able to trust friends again. I have definitely had friends throughout the years walk with me through my trying times, but for the most part I have kept friends at arms length. God has put a few key individuals in my life that I have trusted, but most have not lived in the same town or even state that I do. About 8 years ago I experienced piercing betrayal by a very close friend and had two more walk away during the same time, and I never wanted to let anyone else that close to my heart again. The Lord will allow us to feel that pain, and will allow us a time of isolation, but when we are walking closely with Him, He will not let us stay there. He created us for community, and He has brought me that community. I know I still have work to do in this area, but I have a small group of women who I am slowly letting in. Love you, Ladies, thanks for being patient with me while I continue to grow in this area! Learning to allow others fully into your hurt and heart, knowing they could also hurt you, is really difficult to do. 

    The last several years I have chosen a word for the year. It's a pretty common thing these days, but it helps to keep my focus. I have chosen Joy, Grit, last year I chose Dwell and New (I know, I cheated, it was more than one word). This year I have chosen a phrase, from what I have been learning. Yes, God is with me, but my phrase this year is "With Him." I realize that's pretty similar to Dwell, but my intention with it is different. To dwell is to sit in His presence (and yes, I do want to continue that!). But I have many things ahead of me that I need to do and I can only move forward into my unknown future with Him. I don't want to attempt anything without Him. 

    Life is messy. Life is hard. But my God does not drop us here and walk away. He is very real, He is with me, and if you believe in Him, He is with you too. When you walk into the court room. When you feel alone and helpless in the hospital room. When your house is silent and you feel all alone. Wherever you find yourself, whatever trial you walk through, you do not need to be alone. I am not alone. I am seen, I am loved, I am provided for, and I am being healed. All praise to the High and Exalted One who lives forever!