Frustration, impatience, grumpiness, confusion, hurt. These are some of the words that describe the way I am feeling tonight. Why are we still here? Why is this taking so long? We came here for an appointment 2 weeks ago, and we are still here. I do not know how many more times I can watch (and hold him down) as my son is poked or brought to tears by one of the doctors or nurses here. I hate that he can't even feel safe in my arms anymore. I am so helpless here, I can't do anything to make this go away for him. I am away from my husband and daughter, I just want our family to be whole again.
Kayden did start passing some gas last night and has continued on some today, but now that is not enough for the doctors, they need more gas and bowel movements too. They are thinking about more ct scans, considering putting off the chemo that was supposed to start tomorrow (Wednesday the 20th), and I really don't know how much more of this I can take! I want to take my little man home. Anyway, today Kayden was feeling better, acting more like himself; playing more, laughing some and walking a little. I have to remind myself that he is doing so well considering this is his recovery from a second major surgery in 2 weeks.
Heavenly Father, I don't know why you brought us here, what your purpose is in all of this, but I do know, Lord, that your word is truth and that in your word it says that all the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful, and that your ways are higher than ours and your thoughts higher than mine, so I just ask that you will help me to let go of all of my plans both inside this hospital and out. Help me to let go of the selfishness inside of me that wants to go home and rest easy here knowing that they want to make sure Kayden is well and are doing what they can to make him that way. I know, Lord, that the doctors too have limited knowledge, so I just pray that you would guide them and show them what needs to be done and if there is anymore for them to do, that it would be done quickly. Be with Kayden, give him peace, comfort and a healthy bowel and body (fever is still hanging on a little, blood pressure is down). Be with Aaron, may he feel your love and peace tonight. Be with little Bree, thank you for her attitude, help her to stay strong and brave, and restore our family soon. Help us all to lean on you, to cling to you, our Rock. Your strength never fails, you never rest, you restore those who lean on you. Take my heavy burden from me, Lord, I am stumbling and weak.
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i wish i could hug you right now... you'll have to deal with getting a mental hug instead. :) the gas is great news though but i can imagine it's amazingly frustrating to finally have what the docs kept telling you to wait for and now they're telling you they want more. praise God that kayden is feeling better because two major surgeries in such a short time is a lot for any body, and especially a 2 year old body. hospitals are always frustrating but it's got to be exceptionally difficult having had a "healthy" 2yo just 2.5 weeks ago and now you're sitting in the hospital night after night praying for healing for his tiny body. God is strength and He always protects His children, big and small. casting your cares on God has got to be one of the hardest things he calls us to do, but it's what needs to be done. He's taking care of you all right now even if you can't really see it. did you learn the cast all my cares song when you were a kid too? it was in kids praise 5 (one of my favorite psalty's by the way...). it's based off of 1 Peter 5:7. if you don't know it, it goes like this: "i cast all my care upon Him. i lay all of burdens down at His feet. if at any time i don't know what to do, i can cast all my cares upon Him." that song always made me feel a bit better in times when i felt helpless. anyway, we're praying for kayden still daily and we pray for all of you as well but i'll make sure to toss in an extra prayer just specifically for you. God does things that no one but He can understand but there is always a reason. stay strong, k. all my love.
ReplyDeleteKorene, how my heart aches for little Kayden, you, Aaron and Bree. But tonight, especially for you. It is so much easier (and even our "overwhelming" pain and illness is not always easy)to suffer ourselves than to have our children suffer and even worse when they are so little like Kayden. I wish I could put my arms around you right now, but I can't, but God Can and he is so much more the One we need when the way is so rough and we are in the midst of the terrible storm in the middle of our ocean. So, as always, we will be lifting all of you up to the Throne of Grace and pray for the special touch Kayden, you, Aaron and Bree need at this time.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking again of the verse I shared with you a couple of days ago, but changed a little. Psalm 61:1-2, "Hear my (Korene's) cry O Lord; attend unto Korene's prayer. From the end of the earth will Korene cry unto you, when Korene's heart is overwhelmed, lead Korene to the Rock that is higher than Korene." I pray the Holy Spirit will minister in a miraculous way to both Kayden and you and Aaron at this time.
Korene, if you hesitate to have one of your ministers come to anoint Kayden and pray over him the prayer of faith because of the concern of further traumatizing him, (that would be my concern) you and Aaron could schedule it when he will be asleep. Actually Ronnie was in a medical induced coma when we had Janice's (his special, Christian nurse) pastor come to the ICU. I would feel, if you decide you wish to do this, that it should be done when he would be sound asleep from some of his medications. I am not pushing this, because it is a very personal decision, and I would not want it done when he is awake. He is too little to understand.
Some very dear friends of ours from Florida have now put him on the Church prayer list and also the woman who did my perm this afternoon took his name to have her church pray for healing for our little precious boy. There are so many true Christian prayer "warriors" praying earnestly and fervently for Kayden to get well and for his mommy and daddy (and big sister Bree). I even had a personal prayer response from a lady in India who is praying for Kayden! The special cancer prayer group website goes out worldwide.
God is hearing and God is answering, even if it is taking so much longer than we wanted and it has been so much rougher than expected. I have put my faith "on the line" for Kayden's healing before some of our family members we love dearly but who have never turned to the Lord, or, as one very close and very loved, who has turned away from the Lord he once proclaimed and worshiped. I know God is not going to let us down. He has promised to never leave us or forsake us and He is "the Way, the Truth and the Life" so He cannot lie. And in my long journey as a devout believer in our Loving God, I have come to realize that God understands completely when we come to the "end of our rope" and question Him and let Him know how very disappointed we are with Him at the time, and how we cannot understand why He is permitting this to happen when He has the power to prevent it, that He understands completely and loves us even more than when we are not "angry" with Him. He, through the Holy Spirit, "makes intercession for us with groanings that cannot be uttered."
This has gone on long, but is flowing from my heart.
We do love you all so much and are praying for better, peaceful, calming (quiet)waters.
Grandma & Grandpa
I'm praying for you Korene! I'll echo Teresa in wanting to give you a hug. Your faith is an encouragement to so many people Korene. Don't give up. My verse for you is John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." Love you, Korene!
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